Sunday, January 9, 2011

Promised Greatness That Was Never Delivered

Some trailers make the films they advertise look incredible. I mean, remember the Watchmen trailer? Incredible. Or what about the Kick Ass trailer? If we're talking amazing trailers, we can't leave out 300 or Dark Knight, or fail to mention The Matrix or Cold Mountain, and certainly included on the list would be Hot Fuzz, Deathly Hallows, Two Towers, and The Social Network. Do you remember the trailer for The Strangers? I literally cannot get through just the trailer without chills. The first time I saw it I was sitting in a movie theater and people were actually gasping aloud in fear. That scene where that masked guy is just standing there in the house behind Liv Tyler, a lady in the audience screamed. Now that's a damn good trailer.

But some trailers promise true greatness...and then the film doesn't deliver. It's actually possible to make a lame movie look awesome with a perfect trailer. Even I, the great trailer connoisseur, can be fooled. Watch each trailer for these examples, read my assessments and tell me what you think...

The Happening

Come on, when you saw this trailer for the first time, you were freaked. I know when I saw it for the first time I honestly thought M. Night might be making his comeback. I mean, the people falling from the sky? The music? The actors? It looked really, really good. And in fact the first quarter of the movie was pretty alright. Aaaaand then it was plants. Oops, did I spoil that for anyone? Yeah well you don't want to see this anyhow. Literally, the villain of the movie, the big M. Night Shyalmalan twist is plants. Plants are releasing a toxin that makes you commit suicide. That's literally the entire plotline, the entire story, the entire thing. Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel spend half the movie running from wind rippling the tall grass.
Read the original caption. Now understand my response: THEY FLED TO A FARM?!

 Talk about a let-down.

The Losers

This trailer made this movie look like a nonstop action flick with big names that would be high on entertainment and low on being as crappy as being a guy unlucky enough to be turned into a vampire while he was fat and prepubescent and now has to live out eternity that way with a squeaky voice and BO. Instead we got the fat vampire, if you've been following the analogy. Aside from Chris Evans, who was actually highly entertaining, even Justin Long didn't deliver, and Zoe Saldana and the rest of the cast just sort of plodded alongside the pointless action. You want an action flick to have pointless action, but The Losers really overdid it. The villain was overplayed, and the plot was underdeveloped, even for an action movie, and that's saying something. Aside from a few great scenes (all can be seen in the trailer) the rest of the movie blows like bad gas from that bean burrito lunch that you do not  want blown in your face. Yes, smell that right now. It's failure.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

If you're like me, you may have been raised in a household in which lines to the Star Wars movies were frequently quoted, and watching Episodes IV, V, and VI were a monthly affair. Lightsaber battles were acted out as a game, complete with "Wah wah wah" noises. So if you're like me, you might remember the thrill that went through you upon first seeing this trailer. The theme, quiet at first, bursts into a crescendo. There's Obi-Wan, Yoda, and is that? Yes! 3PO and R2! My gosh, the effects look amazing! Oh won't it be great! And there's even a glimpse of young Anakin Skywalker before he becomes the evil Darth Vader, isn't he cute? Aaaand then you actually saw the movie. AND THEN YOU BECAME ANGRY AND IF THE FORCE EXISTED YOUR ANGER WOULD HAVE TURNED TO HATE AND YOU WOULD HAVE SUFFERED BECAUSE YOUR BELOVED SERIES WAS RUINED FOREVER by bad dialogue and a child actor WHO CAN'T ACT.
"Aaaag I've suddenly and irreversibly become a dark sith master
because of the terrible job you did on this moviiiiie!"
There's a reason Jake Lloyd's acting career ended with Star Wars. It's because he can't act. I don't need to explain why this movie sucked, you saw it, you know. It was terrible, and we can all cry together over it now and dream of a remake twenty years from now.

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