I'm Most Excited About...#2

These are a few films that have been on my radar for some time, and they're the films I'm probably most excited to see. Some of these films have been released, but I haven't seen them yet, so there. Here's the second film of this series...

"I am birdwoman. Feeeeear me"

So next on the list would be Aronofsky's Black Swan. This stars Natalie Portman, who you might know from her kind of important roles in the Star Wars prequels, V for Vendetta, and a hilarious rap song on SNL. She's also famous for looking like Ramona, that character from the Beverly Clearly kids books, in a movie called The Professional in which she plays a waifish orphan who convinces a professional assassin not only let her move in with him, but to teach her the ropes of you know, assassinating people so she can go on a murderous rampage against the people who killed her parents. Also she's like twelve. It is widely considered one of the greatest child actor performances of all time.

This is also a movie that completely disregards all gun safety
tips you ever thought were remotely important. Also all social
rules regarding older men and little girls.

In Black Swan, Portman portrays a young and talented (and dangerously unbalanced) ballerina who lands the role of a lifetime in "Swan Lake". But a new ballerina's(Mila Kunis) competition starts to push the already-possibly-insane girl off the edge. Her pursuit of the Black Swan may cause the dancer to lose her mind. Losing your mind is a big deal. Like Britney Spears shaved her head, big whoop. Natalie Portman's character is pretty sure she's turning into a bird. And not like Miley Cyrus put on some bird wings and stuck herself in a cage like some under-aged stripper. Like this:

"ACK! I'm a bird! I just pulled a freaking feather from my own skin!"

Portman, who is barely over five feet tall, reportedly lost 20 pounds for the film by eating only carrots and almonds, and worked out to the point that she was swimming a mile a day and rigorously practicing ballet for five hours a day. Please, spend months eating almonds and see how you feel about working out every day for five hours on your tippy toes. Portman's getting in character freaked the director out when he noticed her spine and ribs sticking out, and he insisted she eat more because that's just gross. Also she could collapse from exhaustion and it was dangerous to her health. According to Portman she's now eating healthily.

Look. This is a movie that the actors and the director have put an incredible amount of work into. I mean, the star actress starved themselves so you could see a good movie, so go see it dagnabbit! Director Darren Aronofsky's other notable work includes a couple of little films called Requiem for a Dream and The Wrestler, you might have heard of them before. So. Great star, plus an amazing director, plus a touch of psychosis, says to me: Great film.


Black Swan has been stacking up rave reviews to keep in a giant swimming pool which will be shipped off to Oscar voters come awards time to prove how awesome it is. Portman is considered to have guaranteed herself a spot on the Best Actress list at the Academy Awards with this performance. Says one blogger, "While the screenplay employs numerous twists to help bring about her state of mental anguish, her change from a timid young girl to psychotic, crazy bitch is nothing short of Oscar worthy." Now doesn't that just say it all?


Of course, you might be asking yourself why you'd want to see Natalie Portman as a half-starved, three-fourths-crazy psycho, but that's why this is my list, not yours.



Director: Darren Aronofsky
Rated: Rated R for strong sexual content, disturbing violent images, language and some drug use.
See the IMDb page here

WB Reboots Buffy...Without Joss Whedon

Joss Whedon with the (amazingly good-looking) cast of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Joss Whedon recently responded to the news that WB is rebooting his "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" franchise without him by writing a letter that deserves to be reposted here. According to Whedon himself, this was his reaction:
This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths - just because they can't think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself. 

Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, "Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER." Apparently I was misinformed. Then I thought, "I'll make a mint! This is worth more than all my Toy Story residuals combined!" Apparently I am seldom informed of anything. And possibly a little slow. But seriously, are vampires even popular any more? 

I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don't love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I'm also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can't wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I'm making a Batman movie. Because there's a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto, rebooting into a theater near you. 

Leave me to my pain! 

Sincerely, 

Joss Whedon


Here's what I got out of this letter: "I'm SO ENRAGED! but trying to be funny about it. Love (sarcastically), Joss Whedon". 
Too many fans are " running through their hometowns filled with rage armed with pitchforks and molotov cocktails looking to make someone pay" as one blogger put it, because Poor Joss Whedon was just cast aside like an old toy to be replaced by no-name, no experience, 29-year-old Whitney Anderson. But in reality, Whedon was asked to head up the project last year and turned it down. JOSS WHEDON TURNED IT DOWN?! WHAAAAT?! Yes, I thought that might be your reaction, but look. Joss Whedon originally penned Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie, which was released in 1992. Or actually, he penned the original script, and apparently the producers took it, butchered it, and released this:

The tagline is "Pert. Wholesome. Totally Lethal."

The concept was there, but Whedon's ideas had pretty much been thrown out the window, stomped on my a monkey in a feather boa, eaten by rats and the picked back up when they came out the other end. In other words, it was bad, and not what Whedon had written. Joss was asked to make a spin-off TV show, so he did. He did it his way, and this is what we have now:

That's Buffy with a gory battle axe that she just destroyed some evil dude with.

Let's keep in mind that Whedon created this show before vampires were absurdly popular, like they are today. "Buffy" wasn't about being cliched, it was about breaking stereotypes. Buffy is a smart-aleck, blond, tiny cheerleader, who normally would be the damsel in distress. Instead, she's the one saving everybody. As far as revolutionary strong female characters go, Buffy tops the list. 


Joss Whedon worked with the cast of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" for 7 seasons, as well as the spin-off show "Angel". This guy and "Buffy" are legendary. Did you know he was nominated for an Emmy for a "Buffy" episode that didn't even have any dialogue in it. He's that good. So Joss Whedon wrote snappy, witty dialogue for Sarah Michelle Gellar for seven years, right? And this dialogue, the stories, the lore, are all Joss Whedon, and Gellar was his Buffy. 


Now here's how I see it. Gellar is too old to play a high school cheerleader anymore. But she was, and always will be, Buffy to Joss Whedon. How could he make a reboot without her? And how could a reboot be made without him? That's what Whedon thought anyway. He passed on the job last year figuring his turn-down would bury the project. And then it didn't, and some actress wrote a script for a new Buffy. Not cool. 


I just hope the producers and this "Whitney Anderson" have considered the consequences of pissing off the armies of fans who love Joss just as much as they love Buffy. After all, the point of making a reboot is to mostly attract the old fanbase to go see it. Except now the fanbase has been betrayed and enraged. Let me lay this out:


Disciples of Buffy = Disciples of Joss Whedon = possible violence against new "Buffy" reboot.

Pictured: actual "Buffy" fan in costume. Not pictured: murderous rage.

Aaaagh! The fluffy pink sweater with dead butterflies pinned to it makes it so much worse! Now imagine that  outside your window at night ready to go all Buffy on your ass. Yeah. That's what I thought too. It's TERRIFYING.


Go ahead with your little reboot, WB, but just keep in mind what happened last time you tried to make a Buffy movie without Joss Whedon. And picture that pink-sweatered vampire girl outside your window. Hopefully it will frighten you out of making the movie, and you'll come to your senses and realize it's just a stupid idea.

I'm Most Excited About...

These are a few films that have been on my radar for some time, and they're the films I'm probably most excited to see. Yes, yes, Green Lantern doesn't make the list, but neither does Nic Cage's upcoming film Drive Angry in which he drives around...angry. Honestly, I can't put Green Lantern on this list because I'm just not sure if it's going to be great, or if it's mostly just going to suck. Because the trailer wasn't so great, and I have a habit of basing assumptions for upcoming movies on their trailers. Also, I want to be incredibly excited for the movie  (I mean Ryan Reynolds? How can that not be awesomely entertaining?) but also it could turn out like Fantastic Four. Or Spiderman 3. Yeah, I saw you cringe just now. Now you understand why I can't be excited for it yet. Moving on.

Some of these films have been released, but I haven't seen them yet, so there. Here's the first film of this series...

 It stars James Franco, and pretty much no one else, and tells the true (not based on a true story, actually true) story of Aron Ralston, a mountain climber and adrenaline junkie, who has become an international symbol for the human will to live. In case you aren't familiar with the story, or somehow forgot it, Ralston was trapped for days without food or water after a solo adventuring trip went bad and he managed to get his arm pinned against a rock wall. Not only had he made the bad decision to go adventuring solo, but he also didn't tell anyone where he was going. Ralston, realizing no one was coming to rescue him and he was going to die, ended up cutting off his own arm. With a dull pocket knife. Upon realizing he was still in the middle of the freaking desert, Ralston rappelled down a cliff (with his bleeding stump of an arm), and started trekking into the desert before he ran into some hikers, who were nice enough to call 911. (But not nice enough to be there a few days ago before he amputated his own arm?

On the plus side, Ralston now has this sweet pickax arm. 

Oops, sorry, I spoiled the movie. But c'mon, it's like Titanic, the point of the movie isn't really the plot anyway. Ralston apparently filmed his last goodbyes to his friends and family, and recorded what was going on while he was trapped. The tapes are so private, and probably so disturbing, that they have never been publicly released, and are kept in a bank vault. For the movie the director and Franco were allowed to see the recordings to get a better understanding of Ralston's state of mind. This isn't a movie you go see for some twist ending, or special effects. It's about a real human experience, it's about a state of mind, it's about an intimate look inside someone's head. (Also it's about a gruesome amputation scene that has caused audience members to vomit, leave, faint, and even have seizures.) The seizing woman was taken to a hospital and claimed the seizure was not caused by the film, although she hadn't had a seizure since she was a child.The retching and fainting audience members, however, apparently came back to watch the rest of the movie, although probably stayed away from the popcorn after that.  Look, that tells me that people are willing to forgo washing that vomit-taste out of their nose and mouth just to see the end of the movie that made them hurl in the first place. Somehow to me that translates to "This movie is amazing". Now isn't that something to be excited about?

Director: Danny Boyle
Length: 94 min
Rated: Rated R for language and some disturbing violent content/bloody images.
See the trailer here.
See the IMDb page here.

Music Videos I've Recently Decided to Hate

I was obsessively watching music video after music video yesterday. (In case you couldn't tell from all the music videos I'm posting.) And I ran into these two videos. They're terrifyingly awful.


Justin Bieber's "Pray"
As far as cotton candy pop goes, Justin Bieber kind of owns the market. And that's all cool and everything. We all enjoy a little guilty pleasure music every once in awhile- Miley Cyrus, JoBros, and Justin Bieber are pretty much the entire genre. And then there's this song, which seems nice. Until you see the music video, in which JB takes all the attention that should be given to Haiti and cancer children, and makes it all about him and how apparently nice he is. Which is just kind of disgusting. It also features Bieber playing guitar in a giant lighted heart to his audience of screaming girls, just in case they forgot what place he should occupy in their lives.



Jesse McCartney's "Shake"
First of all, why is Jesse McCartney still making music? Second of all, why is he wearing that suit in a music video that's all about ghetto ass-shaking? Also, what is the point of this video? I'm genuinely not sure what McCartney is trying to get across. Because he looks like a babyfaced pimp in a tailored suit who just stepped out of the 1950s. He seems thoroughly unimpressed by all of the girls in their underwear shaking it in his face. Maybe Justin Timberlake could look nonchalant in a moment like that, but McCartney looks like he's twelve, why is he so not excited about being a womanizer? Also he looks like this, which weirds me out:

Music Videos

Great celebrity appearances in music videos:


Enrique Iglesias- "Push"

In all honesty, the creepiness of Enrique Iglesias filming a porno for these two actors, who recently played teenagers in the Step Up 2 movie almost ruins it, but whatever.



Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi"
Oh Alexander Skarsgard, you're so dreamy. Aaand then he pushes her off the balcony. Moving on...



Aerosmith's "Cryin'"
Stephen Dorff and Alicia Silverstone. Also, was that Josh Holloway- Sawyer from Lost??



Vampire Weekend's "Giving Up the Gun"
Jake Gylenhaal is the best thing about this video, it's just too funny. Also there's a JoBro in it, always a plus.



Elton John's "I Want Love"
It's rather heartbreaking to see Robert Downey, Jr. walk around in an empty palace singing Elton John, isn't it?



Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- "Into the Great Wide Open"
Who knew Johnny Depp had a starring role in a music video? It's kind of an awesome music video though.

It's Just Always Bothered Me

 Can we talk about this picture for a second? I think it's a wonderful marketing campaign that tells no lies. Here is Bella. Here are her two boy toys. They're all airbrushed and awesome looking. Look how shiny and smooth and slightly dead they all look! The fans don't care about the plot, or action, or whatever, they care about these three. So. Good poster design.

But wait. I mentioned something about the airbrushing and the looking dead. The problem is that Kristen Stewart's face seems to have been mysteriously pasted into this picture. Her hair doesn't even attach to her head, it's so bad. Also it makes her head look oddly tall. Like a conehead. Also her facial expression makes me think that A) she's really tired from doing her homework all night, B) she's suuuper high, or C) she's dead. I'm not sure how else you could get that facial expression that creepily expresses absolutely nothing. Seriously, look at her face. There's nothing there but dead...deadness. Strange...Also she has no ears, which is worrisome, particularly because it makes me think she does have ears, but they're just covered with her hair, which means her sideburns have grown out waaay too long.

Oo! Look check this out!

Ed Westwick's face fits here too!

Trailers

Worst Trailer of the Day:


Just Wright. First of all, the title kind of sucks. Second of all this entire trailer plays like an example of what not to do. Mostly it represents of the big mistakes trailer-makers fall prey to: they put the entire film into the trailer. This trailer is long, drawn out, and features every conflict that will be in the film, AND the predictable ending. Truly unfortunate.

Best Trailer of the Day:


Cowboys & Aliens. First of all, who wouldn't go to see a movie titled "Cowboys & Aliens"? Second of all, it's freaking James Bond and Indiana Jones fighting freaking aliens in the freaking Wild Wild West. This trailer is the opposite of what we saw in the previous clip. We're given a taste of the idea of the film, and we see its three stars, some explosions, and that's just about it. You're left wanting to know more, despite the fact that almost nothing of importance has been revealed to you. Beautifully done.